I slipped the other day and saw into an alternate universe. I saw the life I was supposed to have. I’m not saying anything is horribly wrong with the life I have now. It is just that it’s not been terribly authentic. I’ve had moments and bits of authenticity, but the majority of my life has been lived with the purpose of being perfect so that I will be approved of and loved. Sadly, it was not striving for perfection at things I loved and felt in my soul. That’s what I saw in the alternate universe.
The pain of it took my breath away. The grief and sense of loss of something I’ve never had was overwhelming. Tears flowed and sobs escaped as I allowed the feelings to wash over me. I recognized defenses I put in place at very young ages to protect myself. I scoffed at certain activities and thought of them and the people who participated in them as shallow and not worthwhile. What I saw in my alternate life was that these were the things that could have brought Joy to my soul. I honestly did not know in those young years that this was my true calling. Only later did I even understand that these things when done during free time could bring me joy.
Now I have seen and acknowledged where my soul sings, but I am at somewhat of a loss as to how I use that. I am well past the age that I could create the career of my dream: that of a dancer. Of course I seek ways to bring as much dance into my life as possible. With a full-time job in a totally unrelated field, it can sometimes feel like giving a sun parched desert a single cup of water.
I’ve moved past the Ostrich phase (denial, head-in-the-sand). I’ve moved past paralyzed by the pain. I am now in the ‘here’s a small way to put something related to the dream in my daily life’ phase. And so, I do this small thing, while trying to open further to Her guidance. I don’t want to live my life having found my calling too late to live it. That would be a waste of a life, my life. Utterly unacceptable. So, what’s my next step? I don’t know the choreography, but I hear the music. 5…6…5-6-7-8!
