Archive for March, 2008

Time 2

If I spend Time on something I really do enjoy and really do want to spend my valuable Time on, shouldn’t I feel peaceful and confident in my decision? I don’t. I may enjoy the actual time doing the activity, but when the activity is over and I open my eyes to the other things that sit, waiting to be graced with my time, I feel the weight of those things undone. And I’m not even talking about chores or “have tos.” I am primarily talking things that have some meaning to me, things on which I feel my time is well spent. So why they anxiety, the depression, the grief even?

 I can’t seem to come to terms with the fact that I have to choose; that I cannot do everything that I want to. Let’s take weekends. The weekend comes, and I have 2 whole glorious days for Me! Unfortunately I have a minimum of 4-5 days worth of stuff I either want or need to do. So, I have to chose what I spend Time on and what is left untouched. Even if I chose the things I really want to do, I still feel an anxiety crawling up my back, a push to hurry and move onto the next thing. When the weekend is over, I feel a sense of loss and even failure that I did not get to those other things. Maybe it’s even a sense of shame.


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Editing. This seems to be a theme in my life lately. Those of you reading this are even experiencing my editing. I edit my writings repeatedly before I feel they are “done” and ready for publishing. But that’s only one type of editing happening in my life.

I started the year by editing the amount of “stuff” in my house. I made multiple passes, each time growing the trash and donate piles. I streamlined my office doing all possible to hide the necessary clutter in attractive containers. I seem to be craving an uncluttered (edited) visual landscape and a more clean lined contemporary style.

This blog affords me the opportunity to flex other editing muscles well. I usually feel I have to be an expert at any and every thing I do. Since blogging is new for me, I could easily go insane with the tools and the tips and the tricks and the forums. Instead, I’m starting simple. I’m editing. I found a theme that was pleasing. I published a couple of posts and researched a question or two. As I have Time (earlier post) I will learn bit by bit and improve as I go.

I’m starting to think that trying to be a full-blown expert in everything simply causes me to be miserable and have even less of that precious commodity: Time. Even so, I find this need to excel and perfect extremely difficult to let go. Maybe if I just think of it as editing it will be easier to take. After all, editing usually improves the writing, right? So in a bizarre way editing the perfectionist actually perfects her!

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Why do I have such an adversarial relationship with Time? We rarely ever move in sync. It’s like Time is this viscous little nymph who delights in warping herself to make me miserable. Primarily she speeds herself up or warps her fabric so there’s less than there should be. Occasionally she does the opposite – usually when work is tedious or I’m waiting in line. There are days she seems downright demonic. Other days I’m sure she’s vindictive, getting back at me when she feels I’ve misspent what she has given me.

Is it possible to befriend this creature? The quality of my life would improve immeasurably if Time and I could be friends. I could see joy and fulfillment increasing in my life and anxiety decreasing. Sounds like the answer to all life’s problems, huh? Maybe it is…

Is the way to friendship with her to value what she gives me and treat it as precious? Thoughtfully considering and deciding where to spend those diamond kernels of Time? I suppose her anger is understandable if her gift is thoughtlessly thrown aside. But how does she determine what she finds acceptable? Is the yardstick mine?

Is it whether I spend my time on endeavors I value and that bring me Joy? Should I be punished for spending Time on things I may not love, but that are necessary, like work or laundry? Is there a compromise she is willing to accept? I have obviously not found it. We are always warily circling, weapons drown, battling, and She usually wins.

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