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Archive for April, 2008

Jo Dee Messina has a song, “My give a Damn’s Busted.” I need a little of that. My Give a Damn works on overdrive pretty much all the time. Geez, I mean really, I need to give some of this up! I need a sliding scale at the very least. My gauge seems to be pegged to the right all the time, meaning my stress and worry levels are maxed out. Maybe that’s it: my Give a Damn Gauge’s Busted! I need a cosmic mechanic.

Since there doesn’t seem to be one of those mechanics around, I guess I have to fix it myself. (sigh) I’m successfully past the first step at least. I am aware there is a problem. I realize that I cannot feel this level of stress, worry and need to manage/control/fix everything that moves across my life path. Some things are just not mine; they are not in my yard. These are the things I need to let go. What is mine and in my yard is the very act of letting go.

This applies to some obvious things like other people’s life choices, but it also applies to some less obvious things. My job is one of the less obvious. Yes, I care about my job and the quality of my work, but that’s where my yard ends. I can make myself sick worrying about things that are not in my yard. Miraculously, when I finally do reach the point of “my give a damn’s busted” my neighbors mow their yard, fix their fence and resolve disputes! All the time I spent worrying and trying to figure something out was a waste of my Time (and we’re back here).

Why is it so hard for me to let go and stay in my yard? I have plenty of my own weeds to pull and flowers to plant. The more my give a damn’s busted, the more beautiful my own yard. As I really want a peaceful and beautiful yard, I’m off to bust my Give a Damn!

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I slipped the other day and saw into an alternate universe. I saw the life I was supposed to have. I’m not saying anything is horribly wrong with the life I have now. It is just that it’s not been terribly authentic. I’ve had moments and bits of authenticity, but the majority of my life has been lived with the purpose of being perfect so that I will be approved of and loved. Sadly, it was not striving for perfection at things I loved and felt in my soul. That’s what I saw in the alternate universe.

The pain of it took my breath away. The grief and sense of loss of something I’ve never had was overwhelming. Tears flowed and sobs escaped as I allowed the feelings to wash over me. I recognized defenses I put in place at very young ages to protect myself. I scoffed at certain activities and thought of them and the people who participated in them as shallow and not worthwhile. What I saw in my alternate life was that these were the things that could have brought Joy to my soul. I honestly did not know in those young years that this was my true calling. Only later did I even understand that these things when done during free time could bring me joy.

Now I have seen and acknowledged where my soul sings, but I am at somewhat of a loss as to how I use that. I am well past the age that I could create the career of my dream: that of a dancer. Of course I seek ways to bring as much dance into my life as possible. With a full-time job in a totally unrelated field, it can sometimes feel like giving a sun parched desert a single cup of water.

I’ve moved past the Ostrich phase (denial, head-in-the-sand). I’ve moved past paralyzed by the pain. I am now in the ‘here’s a small way to put something related to the dream in my daily life’ phase. And so, I do this small thing, while trying to open further to Her guidance. I don’t want to live my life having found my calling too late to live it. That would be a waste of a life, my life. Utterly unacceptable. So, what’s my next step? I don’t know the choreography, but I hear the music. 5…6…5-6-7-8!

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93 Yr Old Wisdom

I met a Wise One yesterday. I didn’t expect him, but isn’t that the way of the Wise Ones? We only had a few minutes together, but he casually held out some pearls and it was up to me whether I picked them up or not. He was totally at peace whether I took his pearls of wisdom or chose to rush by without a glance. Again, isn’t that Their way?

These are the pearls I got from this lovely being whose path crossed mine by Divine intervention, I am sure.

  • Your life is for the most part up to you. When things aren’t going as you’d like, or trouble of some kind finds you, look at yourself. Usually it’s the choices we make and the actions we take or don’t take that create the life we’re living. The Wise Ones know and accept this. The rest blame someone or something else for their life situations.
  • Shut up and listen. The Wise One told me he learned that the best way for him to improve his life was to shut up and listen. He started at the very bottom with his company and rose high up, mostly because he learned early how to listen. It is so easy to get caught up in what we want to say next, our opinions and needing to come across as smart that we forget to listen. The Wise Ones speak rarely, but when they do speak, everyone listens.
  • Divine Guidance is ours. We just have to ask and listen. There is a Higher Power of your own understanding that is available to you if you wish. The key again is to listen. This is rarely the loudest voice. It is usually the one that we have to seek in quiet and stillness.
  • Divine help is there for those who help themselves. Who said any of us are entitled to anything w/o something from ourselves?
  • We can learn a lot from children. Just spend 5 minutes talking with, and listening to, a child and see how much you can learn from them.

These are by no means his words verbatim. This is my interpretation of his wisdom. This is what I needed to hear and be reminded of in my life. I am so thankful that I stopped and listened to my divine voice that said this being was one I should spend a few minutes of my precious time with. I think even Time herself approved of this one!

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