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Archive for August, 2008

I’ve always thought names are significant. I’ve noticed over and over again in my life how people with the same name have similar characteristics. At one point in my life I even thought I’d write a book on the topic, but not today. Today I need to talk specifically about my name and it’s meaning to me.

My name, Amanda, means “worthy to be loved” (or some similar variation thereof). I’ve always looked at this as significant because I struggle with feelings of worthiness/self worth. I’ve thought of my name as some sort of statement about one of my “core issues” in this life. Even though I like my name, this feeling about it’s meaning has sometimes given it a vaguely negative connotation.

Last night I had an epiphany regarding my name. The meaning behind my being named Amanda totally shifted. I was reading a book in which a woman said her name was given to her in a dream, and the meaning of her name was She Who Belongs to God. This woman was an adult at the time, and changed her name to be the one given in the dream. I was feeling a tad jealous as I read this that she was gifted with a name that held such significance and was such a confirmation of her connection to The Divine/her Higher Power.

And then it hit me. I was utterly stunned. My name is a gift to me. It is an affirmation to me that I am worthy of love, worthy just to be. It is not a reminder of some eternal struggle I am supposed to overcome in this lifetime. It is exactly the opposite. It is my Higher Power’s assurance to me that I am Of Her, always have been, always will be and that I am worthy. She gave me this gift before my birth in this life. Sadly I only realized it last night, but happily, I realized it last night!

I have recently been struggling more than usual with this worthiness issue. I’ve been asking myself how do I know I am worthy without turning outside for proof. I’ve come to see that I have been seeking that proof almost exclusively from external sources. Not being pleased with this realization, I began to really question how I know I am worthy if I do not seek these external reassurances. I did not have an answer for myself. I had only the question and a feeling of unknowing. Contrary to my status quo, I did not obsess or feel desperate to find the answer. I let it sit in the unknowing. I did not consciously meditate on the question or ask for guidance or a sign. I have to admit however, that this deviation from my status quo of frantically working on an issue like some deranged dog with an old shoe was primarily the result of being overworked and overtired!

I love that the book I picked up quite by accident last night rocketed me to from unknowing into knowing, just like that. And it is a Knowing. I have an odd (and for me unfamiliar) sense of peace and rightness in this knowing. This does not at all mean that like magic all my issues around feeling worthy will disappear. What it does mean is that I have something to keep circling back to, to be a reminder to myself of my connection to All That Is.

So, what’s in a name? It is the music that my body responds to even when I don’t consciously remember the steps of the dance. Amanda, it says, you’re worthy to be loved.

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