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Archive for the ‘Musings’ Category

I’ve always thought names are significant. I’ve noticed over and over again in my life how people with the same name have similar characteristics. At one point in my life I even thought I’d write a book on the topic, but not today. Today I need to talk specifically about my name and it’s meaning to me.

My name, Amanda, means “worthy to be loved” (or some similar variation thereof). I’ve always looked at this as significant because I struggle with feelings of worthiness/self worth. I’ve thought of my name as some sort of statement about one of my “core issues” in this life. Even though I like my name, this feeling about it’s meaning has sometimes given it a vaguely negative connotation.

Last night I had an epiphany regarding my name. The meaning behind my being named Amanda totally shifted. I was reading a book in which a woman said her name was given to her in a dream, and the meaning of her name was She Who Belongs to God. This woman was an adult at the time, and changed her name to be the one given in the dream. I was feeling a tad jealous as I read this that she was gifted with a name that held such significance and was such a confirmation of her connection to The Divine/her Higher Power.

And then it hit me. I was utterly stunned. My name is a gift to me. It is an affirmation to me that I am worthy of love, worthy just to be. It is not a reminder of some eternal struggle I am supposed to overcome in this lifetime. It is exactly the opposite. It is my Higher Power’s assurance to me that I am Of Her, always have been, always will be and that I am worthy. She gave me this gift before my birth in this life. Sadly I only realized it last night, but happily, I realized it last night!

I have recently been struggling more than usual with this worthiness issue. I’ve been asking myself how do I know I am worthy without turning outside for proof. I’ve come to see that I have been seeking that proof almost exclusively from external sources. Not being pleased with this realization, I began to really question how I know I am worthy if I do not seek these external reassurances. I did not have an answer for myself. I had only the question and a feeling of unknowing. Contrary to my status quo, I did not obsess or feel desperate to find the answer. I let it sit in the unknowing. I did not consciously meditate on the question or ask for guidance or a sign. I have to admit however, that this deviation from my status quo of frantically working on an issue like some deranged dog with an old shoe was primarily the result of being overworked and overtired!

I love that the book I picked up quite by accident last night rocketed me to from unknowing into knowing, just like that. And it is a Knowing. I have an odd (and for me unfamiliar) sense of peace and rightness in this knowing. This does not at all mean that like magic all my issues around feeling worthy will disappear. What it does mean is that I have something to keep circling back to, to be a reminder to myself of my connection to All That Is.

So, what’s in a name? It is the music that my body responds to even when I don’t consciously remember the steps of the dance. Amanda, it says, you’re worthy to be loved.

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I would like to know the person I would be in one year if I did not have to worry about an income and could spend all my time pursuing a spiritual path and creative endeavors. If my current income could still flow in, but I didn’t have to go to a job, or worry about how I could generate income, what could I become in just one year? I want this opportunity. I have no idea how that can come about (other than winning a lottery), but I am sending the request out to the Universe.

It I was allowed, or it was my “job”, to follow my inner promptings each minute of each day, what would that feel like? If I was not expected to have an income producing business started or a fantastic plan in place on day 366, how would I live the preceding 365? To be quite honest, it would not be a cake walk for me, at least not initially. I can even now feel a compulsion to figure out how to make an income after my year was over. That would probably be my biggest challenge.

But, oh, how I would love to experience that woman becomming! How I would love to dance or paint or meditate or sew or play a musical instrument at 10am on a Tuesday! How I would love to read all the way through the many books I’m trying to simultaneously read at the moment. How I would love to have the experience of not having any reason to stress over income or job.

I feel an incredible excitement to discover who that woman would become, to experience that path, to see if I really were different in a year, or if not much at all had changed about me. I am talking about a simple replacement of my current income. I do not want to travel around the world or anything radical or extravagant. I am not talking about leaving my current life and living in an Ashram in India. My primary interest is to discover what Me I would be with the the pressure of making an income removed and the time a job takes gifted back.

I am letting it be known to the Universe, my Higher Power and all who read this that I am asking for this opportunity. I am ready to be delighted at the amazing ways the Universe brings things to us when we are clear in our intent, believe and are open to receive.

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I was thinking about vacation recently and what makes them so utterly wonderful. I don’t mean fabulous scenery that you don’t have at home, etc. I mean, even the days that have no specifically wonderful activities. For me I think it really does have to do with being completely “in the moment.” The vacations that have been stellar for me as an adult are the ones where I have been fully present in whatever I am doing. I have not been thinking one minute what I am going to do the next minute or hour, or in the next day. I am not fretting about all the laundry I will have to do as soon as I return home. I have not been giving away my Time thinking about the project I’m managing at work. I have been Present, whether site-seeing, walking on the beach, dining or even sitting still “doing” nothing.

I am hardly ever like this at home. If you’ve read practically any other post on this blog, you know the difficulty I have with Time. I have the unpleasant suspicion that this fully-presentness is much, if not all, of my Time problem. I constantly think about the next thing, or all the other possible things and about how I won’t be able to get to them all. On the rare occasions when I manage to be fully present, or nearly so, I more often than not have what I call a time-extended day. A day in which it seems many more hours are available to me than logic says should be.

And so, it seems the solution is simple, huh? Pay full attention to what I’m doing at any given moment. Do any of you find this easy? Not I! But then, if it’s easy, then there’s not an opportunity for growth, is there? And don’t we all love those AFGOs?! Another Freaking Growth Opportunity! 🙂

Ah well… It’s interesting to me to see how many of my own answers so easily come out when I start writing. If I could only implement as quickly and easily as I can troublshoot, I’d be… I was going to say Evolved, but maybe I’d be dead. Because if all your personal growth is complete, isn’t your purpose fulfilled? One of my all-time favorite authors, Richard Bach, said, ”here’s a test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you’re alive, it isn’t”. So, I guess it’s time I went on learning, growing and living!

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Jo Dee Messina has a song, “My give a Damn’s Busted.” I need a little of that. My Give a Damn works on overdrive pretty much all the time. Geez, I mean really, I need to give some of this up! I need a sliding scale at the very least. My gauge seems to be pegged to the right all the time, meaning my stress and worry levels are maxed out. Maybe that’s it: my Give a Damn Gauge’s Busted! I need a cosmic mechanic.

Since there doesn’t seem to be one of those mechanics around, I guess I have to fix it myself. (sigh) I’m successfully past the first step at least. I am aware there is a problem. I realize that I cannot feel this level of stress, worry and need to manage/control/fix everything that moves across my life path. Some things are just not mine; they are not in my yard. These are the things I need to let go. What is mine and in my yard is the very act of letting go.

This applies to some obvious things like other people’s life choices, but it also applies to some less obvious things. My job is one of the less obvious. Yes, I care about my job and the quality of my work, but that’s where my yard ends. I can make myself sick worrying about things that are not in my yard. Miraculously, when I finally do reach the point of “my give a damn’s busted” my neighbors mow their yard, fix their fence and resolve disputes! All the time I spent worrying and trying to figure something out was a waste of my Time (and we’re back here).

Why is it so hard for me to let go and stay in my yard? I have plenty of my own weeds to pull and flowers to plant. The more my give a damn’s busted, the more beautiful my own yard. As I really want a peaceful and beautiful yard, I’m off to bust my Give a Damn!

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