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Posts Tagged ‘anxiety’

After the Myelogram Hell week, the surgeon said that he is confident that lumbar laminectomy/discectomy surgery is all that is required. He sees no indication for fusion. So, that was the upside of Hell week. I am having some massive anxiety over the thought of surgery. However, I do believe that this is the right decision at this time for me. My life has deteriorated over the last year into something I do not recognize nor enjoy at all. I am just hanging on till I wake up Monday after the surgery is over!

I was highly irritated, OK, made as hell, last week at the surgeon’s office, but the surgeon himself is wonderful. He called me Monday and talked to me on the phone for over 1/2 hour. He answered every question I had and did not rush me in the least. Then I was given the neuro anesthesiologist’s email address. I emailed him some questions, and he called me Tues evening and talked to me for almost an hour! We have emailed back and forth about a dozen times in addition to that. Oh, and gave me his cell phone number!! I actually work in the healthcare business and know that this is NOT standard operating procedures for physicians! I am totally impressed with them and feel completely confident in their abilities. I just seem to have this terror about something I can’t quite put my finger on. It has to do with the time up till I’m put under rather than the actual surgery itself.

I’ve started my own prep work. I’m using David Lanz’s Christophori’s Dream CD and visualization. I can have my iPod in my pre and post op suite, so I hope I can get myself in a meditative state (or at a minimum a notch or two calmer) Monday morning before being given the anesthesiology.

I have my eye on the prize: dancing again! I’m thinking Samba lessons….

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Jo Dee Messina has a song, “My give a Damn’s Busted.” I need a little of that. My Give a Damn works on overdrive pretty much all the time. Geez, I mean really, I need to give some of this up! I need a sliding scale at the very least. My gauge seems to be pegged to the right all the time, meaning my stress and worry levels are maxed out. Maybe that’s it: my Give a Damn Gauge’s Busted! I need a cosmic mechanic.

Since there doesn’t seem to be one of those mechanics around, I guess I have to fix it myself. (sigh) I’m successfully past the first step at least. I am aware there is a problem. I realize that I cannot feel this level of stress, worry and need to manage/control/fix everything that moves across my life path. Some things are just not mine; they are not in my yard. These are the things I need to let go. What is mine and in my yard is the very act of letting go.

This applies to some obvious things like other people’s life choices, but it also applies to some less obvious things. My job is one of the less obvious. Yes, I care about my job and the quality of my work, but that’s where my yard ends. I can make myself sick worrying about things that are not in my yard. Miraculously, when I finally do reach the point of “my give a damn’s busted” my neighbors mow their yard, fix their fence and resolve disputes! All the time I spent worrying and trying to figure something out was a waste of my Time (and we’re back here).

Why is it so hard for me to let go and stay in my yard? I have plenty of my own weeds to pull and flowers to plant. The more my give a damn’s busted, the more beautiful my own yard. As I really want a peaceful and beautiful yard, I’m off to bust my Give a Damn!

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Time 2

If I spend Time on something I really do enjoy and really do want to spend my valuable Time on, shouldn’t I feel peaceful and confident in my decision? I don’t. I may enjoy the actual time doing the activity, but when the activity is over and I open my eyes to the other things that sit, waiting to be graced with my time, I feel the weight of those things undone. And I’m not even talking about chores or “have tos.” I am primarily talking things that have some meaning to me, things on which I feel my time is well spent. So why they anxiety, the depression, the grief even?

 I can’t seem to come to terms with the fact that I have to choose; that I cannot do everything that I want to. Let’s take weekends. The weekend comes, and I have 2 whole glorious days for Me! Unfortunately I have a minimum of 4-5 days worth of stuff I either want or need to do. So, I have to chose what I spend Time on and what is left untouched. Even if I chose the things I really want to do, I still feel an anxiety crawling up my back, a push to hurry and move onto the next thing. When the weekend is over, I feel a sense of loss and even failure that I did not get to those other things. Maybe it’s even a sense of shame.

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